Thursday, September 30, 2010

Growing Pains

Dynamics of family life can be some of the most frustrating issues in one's lifetime. I have learned one thing in my sixty years on this earth. I have no control over the future. I finally admit it. I give up and release the future to those who are going to live it. While on earth, I will pray for the characters of the dramas to come, and if God allows me to oversee them after my death, I will do so after I die. However, for now, I release them, so I can go forward in life.

My mother is very ill again. I am ill or would be at her side. I am concentrating on now and getting well, so I can be there in the near future to hold her hand as she battles between life and death. According to statistics, she has at 80 lived 8 years longer than her mother, and statistically this might be the end. I am praying that it isn't, but mentally preparing myself for whatever God has in mind. A loved one's crisis always brings out the good, the bad, and the ugly. Unfortunately, the ugly seems to describe me at times like these. I am always flabbergasted at the lack of compassion exhibited by individuals when someone is just at their lowest point, whether it is caused by health, emotional, or financial issues.

I have observed that the compassion gene just hasn't been passed on to generations following mine. I sometimes wonder if the humanism of schools provided this venue. I am constantly surprised at actions that seem to kick the dead horse. People who swoop in when someone is easily manipulated are particularly repulsive to me, and the ugly in me lets them know it.

I have also observed that in my family, "the honesty is the best policy," truth in living has just been tossed aside. Liars can't even keep their stories straight anymore. I have lied at times in my life, and asked forgiveness when discovered. I didn't try to justify why I lied. When I chose to lie, I knew why, and just accepted the fact that I had been busted if the truth came up in conversation. I am not this saint, but I can count the times in my life that I felt it necessary to lie, and both hands aren't full yet. A lie four years ago, no you aren't going to die, not while you are in my charge. That lie gave hope. Don't know if it will work this time.

My family seems to have built a life of using lies to manipulate each other, and it has truly become a tangled web. Maybe my ugly side is the reason, I am always the last to know. If liars would just change, then they could be spared what I call my righteous wrath. I have discovered, when family dynamics are off, that sometimes it forces basically honest people to also follow suite with the lies. I find myself in a position that forces me to protect my family in legal ways. Then, if asked about it, I will be forced to lie in order to protect those I love. Fighting fire with fire comes to mind, but it still doesn't make sense.

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