Thursday, October 28, 2010

Missing My NC Family

Normally, my thoughts for the day would be ones with forward thinking involved. Today, I am feeling melancholy because my husband is where I would love to be. He was on business in Virginia, and that made a side trip to NC possible. Not only is he getting to see the younger son and family this evening, but the trip south included some gorgeous fall foliage to boot. Jealous is truly the word to describe my feelings of just a few seconds ago.

Then, the better half called and said to check my phone for the latest pics. His visit will be a too short one because he booked a 6 am flight instead of the usual 6 pm. He wasn't a happy camper. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't go on this trip. I would be quite frustrated at being pulled away too quickly from happy moments in my life. Spoiled is another word to describe me.

I did spend the day getting ready for our next together trip to Arizona. Spent the morning googling the hiking in the area, and looked for touristy stuff to do while the hub is at meetings. I finished the morning with shopping for the trip. I don't imagine the days will be cooler than here, but the evenings will be cool because of the mountains. I am on a wear out what I have mission this year, partly because I am still losing weight and don't want to renew my wardrobe until I reach my goal. I was able to add to some of my current outfits and hit some deals on shoes and purses. Guess I am set. Hub will be thrilled to see less than baggage size purses for a change. Yep, he notices my "bags."

Really glad the hub called and sent pics. The kids are growing just too fast, or it just seems like it because our trips are months apart instead of weekly. I need to take time right this minute and thank God that we are so blessed to be able to travel back and forth as much as we can each year. I know many people who are fortunate to see their loved ones once a year. My husband and I are truly blessed.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Fall Festivals

Fall Festivals are everywhere these days, and they provide a safe trick or treat envirionment for kids and their parents. Today I got to accompany Kamryn aka the Bumblebee to the local library for a party. The party was cute and Kam enjoyed watching and then finishing all by herself at the lego table in the children's book section.
I lured her back to the party with a cookie and ghost sucker. She was adorable in her outfit, and should enjoy dressing up like a bee for a couple of years to come. Dress up is always fun starting about 3 when little ones find out they can dress themselves about 10 times a day, if I remember correctly.
I got cute cell phone pics of my Reagan in her Cinderella outfit. She has been wearing it for a while. Still waiting to see what Jonathan dresses as, but I do remember a Darth Vador outfit that was very impressive.
Hopefully, Kamryn will enjoy the Fall Festival at my church on Saturday. There will be rides and cake walks and hayrides. Should be fun. Probably more fun for Mimi than Kam, but one day we can laugh together over our antics. Must remind Richard to take pics of the brunettes this week while he visits. Have to have memories of all of my pumpkins.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

What I Have Learned From My Mom

After a turn around trip to Victoria, lunch with my mom and brother, and a follow-up visit to the doctor, I am happy to report that my mom is in stable condition one more time. Good doctor has given her some samples to help with the cholesterol and upped her blood pressure medicine to twice a day. She has plaque build up in one carotid artery and in one of her legs.

She must continue to stay on her diabetic diet and routine if she is to have quality of life. When it came time to write the check, she wrote $20212.34 instead of $212.34. I was there to help her void one and then write a correct check amount. I earned my daughter wages that day.

Mom is almost 80, and until this year has always bounced back with her mental abilities acute. Brother and I talked to her about going to a progressive nursing home, where she would be so much happier, but she refuses to budge. She is going to die in her home in her sleep. I pray that she is right. One family member or another checks in on her every day, but the living alone has really become an issue. I outfitted her with the emergency necklace and a maid once a month because that's all she wants. After this last spell, I will be more diligent about going to the doctor with her. After these last two weeks, I have determined that she hears what she wants to hear, and just plain refuses to follow orders when she gets tired of the routine. I have learned that stubbornness can kill.

After the last month of family issues and my involvement because my mom put me there the last time she thought she was going to die, I have learned that I must just move forward with my goals for my life. If I leave family members behind, I will have no regrets. For almost forty years, I have bent over backwards to keep everyone happy, and equal, and at peace. It's never going to happen. After smoothing issues just two weeks ago, I return to find another explosion within the perimeters known as family.

I have determined that all of the issues have one thing in common. The family members involved have turned their backs on God, and now in desperate times, God is ignoring them or judging them or punishing them. We, as fellow human beings, are just limited to solving life's problems without God's intervention.

As a child of God, I had to be broken completely before I finally understood to focus on God first in all aspects of my life. Some people just need to be broken or emptied of hope before they can be fixed. God is ultimately the only one who can fix broken people. I took some legal actions to insure that my immediate family will not become embroiled with family matters set in motion by my mom. Certain responsibilities have been turned over to the most logical family member.

I have a year of reprieve before the reality of my actions become family knowledge, but I will deal with that anger a year from now. Why not have one less year of the verbage and hard feelings? Simply keeping my mouth shut will give me pleasant visits with my mom. That is my heart's desire. I would like our last years of conversations to be pleasant. I want to look forward to my visits to my home town. After mom passes, the family dynamics will change dramatically. I won't want to spend any lengthy amounts of time with people who have removed themselves from God's fellowship. I will write hard letters this Christmas more or less advising the people I love to run to God because God is the only one who can help them. Until there is a heart change for God, then the skirmishes will continue on the homefront. Frankly, I am tired of it. Nothing ever changes when people try to fix problems without God in the equation. I plan to tell my loved ones just this. I can't fix their problems anymore, but God can.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Out with the Old.....

Recently, several emotional events have convinced me that I must make some life changes although not serious, but details that keep getting in the way of my personal happiness. Many of the details deal with family and friends who have created paradoxes in my life. I was moving along at my usual pace, wondering what the heck was wrong with me physically. I searched various medical entities and the solutions were there.

After a miriad of tests, results of said led to fairly simple solutions. These solutions have relieved me of all anxiety medicines and sleep aids except for the occasional prescription as needed. It has become abundantly clear to me that I must simplify my life. I must prioritize and make lists according to importance. Some of the decisions that followed have resulted in anger from my family, but it is ok. Somewhere in my REM, I sort out the issues and resolve them instead of letting them fester and attack me until I crash.

I have been a giver so long that at age 60, this compliance was really taking its toll on my health. I mentally had to let go and say goodbye to circumstances I accepted years ago. I can no longer comply or respond to certain issues in my life. I have to let them go. I have to take the chance that I will be fine without distractions that keep me in turmoil. It's not easy, as I am the emotional sort who has thrived on confusion. No longer. Family and personal problems have forced me to take a stand for myself.

I am convinced that the Lord is coming for his church soon. The rapture is near, and my service to the Lord will be concluded upon this earth. I am pulled to pray diligently for my children and grandchildren. I pray that they too will be taken away in a blink of an eye, but what about the rest of my family and my loved ones. I can't live their lives for them. I can't change the reality of being saved or not being saved. All I can do is present the gospel to them and hope that my prayers for their salvation will be answered.

I will have to send hard letters this year, and just say goodbye. I look around and I am constantly reminded that I am to be in the world and not of it. Over and over I can see where life has just ravished people around me. These same people have gotten so far away from the Lord that their worlds just seem to keep tumbling out of control.

I am choosing to stop worrying about everyone else, and concentrate on me. What makes me happy? Worshipping God, my husband, my children, my grandchildren, my family, and my friends. In that exceptions. What can I do to balance me? Let go of the past. It is over. Today works and lets me dream of tomorrow. If my actions destroy relationships I have carefully kept cultivated for decades, so be it. The Holy Spirit is just compelling me to take a stand for my Lord. No more diplomacy or good manners or tickling the ears of those I love, just to keep the status quo and peace. I will rise from the ashes of my losses to new beginnings and new focuses. My number one focus will be on the Lord, and He will bless me as He always has; even when I was so undeserving. I thank God that He has always been faithful to me. God has been my provider and will continue to bless me and that is what my happiness is all about. Thank you Lord.

Grandmother's in the Gap

Monday mornings are regularly finding me at a prayer group for grandchildren. Our group prays for our grandchildren and the needs of each others grands. It is a powerful time when women pray in one accord.

I am always amazed at how the Lord takes my wants for other people in my life and turns them into needs for me. As I pray for the Holy Spirit to do the spiritual work in my children's hearts, the Holy Spirit starts working on me and nudges me to be bold in the work on this earth. Last week, I was nudged to write letters to my children to urge them to seek church families for my grandchildren. I urged them to look together as husband and wife for a church that will embrace them in Christian fellowship and where they will enjoy worshiping the Lord as a family.

I was further urged to include activities from their youth that brought spititual joy and thanksgiving to God. I reminded them that they are blessed because they are the Lord's, and everything they have is because God gave it to them. The riches are the Lord's and He distributes them. As Christians, it is very important to never forget from whom the blessings flow.

My life is not perfect, and the kids know this. However, I accept that God has chosen to bless me in spite of my circumstances, and it is my duty to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ and encourage my children to provide the church family activities that may or may not lead my grands to the Lord. It is my job to pray that my grands be given the people, place, or activity that will insure that we are all in heaven for an eternity. This physical life is so fleeting, but the promise of life everlasting is such a gift, and it is this gift, I want for my children's children.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Time Will Tell

My visit to a friend this morning will serve to make her laugh at a very stressful time in her life. She's a dear whom I met in a Bible study about 4 years ago. Our lives have been on fast forward since.

Friend is facing a possible liver and kidney double transplant. She and her hub are visiting the Mayo Clinic before finally deciding what course of action to follow. I wish I were more medically inclined, so I could follow the huge medical words and terms of her condition with a better understanding. Basically, I understand that her kidneys are shutting down, and something produced by her liver is causing this. Sounds scary to me.

I am praying that dialysis will be an option after second opinions are given. She has a good personality to be able to handle sitting during the process. She's a lovely knitter, and the time involved with dialysis would be an acceptable reason to create a lovely project. I am going to remind her of her calm attributes as a reference for thought during the next couple of weeks. I tend to agree with her husband and just wonder why her liver needs to be replaced also. Whatever the liver is doing supposedly takes about 60 years to cause the damage to the kidneys.
They know she won't live another 60 years. It's the double transplant that throws up a red flag for me. However, I am not a medical person, and am praying that the decisions will be made for what is best for her and not for the medical profession, just so the surgeons can practice medicine. I am not comfortable with my friend being a living guinea pig or lab rat. I imagine her husband has much more explicit fears.

Saturday, October 9, 2010


I knew but just ignored the obvious with mindless images concerning loved ones. We are born and then, cell by cell the dying process begins. Death comes too soon for many, and yet lingers on the fringes of quality for others.

Statistically, I know that the average person, and most of us are average, live 7-8 years longer than our parents. I have seen this life cycle in my own family. My father lived almost 8 years longer than his father. My mother is curently living 8 years longer than her mother. I have neighbors in their 80s who are currently living with relatives whose longevity is into or close to the 100 age. It's the inevitability of death that has seemed to sneak up on my senses.

After another spell with my mom, the reality of death hit me in the face when I wanted to know the next step for her care. HOSPICE was the response from the doctor. When was speculative, but at the word, my mind went on auto-pilot concerning the details. My family was in agreement as to solutions for our mom's care, and I am thankful for that. I left my mom in a stable, strong condition, and I was thankful for the time we shared.

Even with the warnings from professionals, the reality of losing my loved one is still hard. The ever optimist in me prays that the doctors are wrong, and she will enjoy at least another decade of quality life. My head is prepared, but my heart is not.